12 life lessons learned after almost 20 years in The US.

On January 11th 2005 I landed in New York. As I celebrate this personal milestone, I’m inviting you to join me in a reflection of this challenging and rewarding journey. 

I share with you 12 key insights… the unexpected lessons learned along that path. Crossing continents doesn't alter who we are at our core, and yet, the trials and triumphs along the way carve out our inner strength and wisdom. 

If you would like to share your insights with me please send an email to 

coach@lifecoachforimmigrants.com

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Chapters

• 0:00 Immigrant Journey Reflections & Wisdom
• 12:23 The Impact of Immigration on Identity
• 21:02 Cultural Assimilation for Immigrants

Transcript

Hello, my friends, this is Ewelina life coach for immigrants. Happy 2024. This is the first podcast of 2024, the first one after New Year, so I need to Say a few things. I need to tell you what I want to wish you for this new year. I want to wish you that you are good for yourself, that you don't ignore your needs, that if you are struggling with something, you address it. You know, especially if there is a big problem in your life, a big frustration, that you do what you can to Create a sense of peace and ease in your life. If you feel overwhelmed, stress, if you feel like life is really heavy, that you take time to create Structures and routines, that you get more sleep, drink more water, exercise. Whatever it is really, whatever it is in your life that is Is difficult. I hope that you address it because you love yourself enough to give yourself that gift. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Today is January 11th 2024. 19 years ago. 

On that day, I flew from Warsaw to New York. I gotta tell you something really funny. It's funny, it's ridiculous actually that it happened, but it happened. I remember sitting on that plane, being somewhere over the Atlantic and thinking to myself oh, I'm the same person, I'm no different. Like something within me has assumed that just Getting on that plane, being on it flying over here, and the plane itself would be enough for me to become a different person. And I remember being surprised that I am still the same. I am still me. Like, somehow, some way, my brain assumed. I have no idea where this comes from, by the way. I don't know where it comes from, but somehow, some way, I assumed that just being on a plane would be enough. It's like I'm sitting there and this magical fairy shows up, it taps me on top of my head and, poof, now I'm a different person. It's silly, isn't that silly? I'm telling you about this because I'm curious if maybe you had a similar Thought. Maybe it's just me. Put this in the comments on youtube or write a review. I just want to hear it. Am I the only one that had this Kind of assumption? Maybe I am, I don't know, but I remember it very vividly, having that thought. Either way, listen, getting on that plane, and more so coming here to the US it was one of the biggest, most courageous things I have done in my life. 

I flew to the US because I came to work here as an au pair and I met some other polish girls at the airport and Warsaw. So so I wasn't flying over here all by myself, thanks god, because this was my first international trip. So I would have had no idea where to go at the different airports when we were, you know, changing planes and we would have been really, really stressful. But I had someone to travel with and I remember that we landed in New York at night, but before we landed we were flying over the city and the view from the plane was absolutely incredible. And then I remember sitting in the van that took us to the hotel from the airport and I was looking through the window seeing Manhattan, and just seeing the city at night Made me feel incredible, like strong within. It was some, and I trust me, I did not have those kind of thoughts about myself at all, but I remember thinking like, wow, I'm here, right, this like it made me feel strong within me that I was able to do something this courageous and that I actually made it there. So these first moments were exhilarating. 

But the rest of my life here in the US has had many, many ups and many downs and of course, I would not change it for anything. Every single moment of my immigrant journey was exactly how it was supposed to be. You know every person I met, every interaction, every time I made a fool of myself and I stumbled, and Every time I was kind and unkind. All of that, all of that was exactly how it was supposed to be. All the heartbreak, disappointments, being discouraged, lost, misunderstood so often. It all happened exactly how it was supposed to. 

But after almost 20 years in the US, I thought that I would share with you some of the wisdom I picked up along the way. So I have 12 points for you that we're gonna share right now, and I'm gonna probably miss something. I'm assuming this already because that's the way it goes right, like I'm gonna finish recording it and there will be another idea, but, but for now, this is what I came up with. And Listen, I am sure that, as you will be listening to me, there will be some things that are super obvious to you, some wisdom that you have pulled out from your experience that I did not mention at all, and I would love for you to share it with me. I am here to share my wisdom, but you have your own wisdom and because of the struggles that we experience on our immigrant journey, I know, I know that there is a lot of beautiful, deep wisdom within your hearts. So please send me an email. If you have something that you feel I should have shared and I didn't, please send me an email, send it to coach at lifecoach4immigrantscom. I will make sure to put my email address in the description of this show. So, like I said, if I have missed something some deep wisdom that you have generated from your struggles I would love to hear from you. All right, so let me tell you what I came up with. We're gonna go point by point, so let's start from point one. 

You are courageous. The courage you have shown when you came to the US can serve you for the years to come. You can use it as an anchor point when you are struggling with something, when there is a bigger thing at front of you, something that requires a lot of courage, you can think to yourself I did something so amazing. I am courageous. I've proven this to myself already. I've got it. I can do this thing at front of me. I can totally do it. It's not that big of a deal. I think we already know this right In our journey, that it's gonna take courage. It's gonna take a lot of courage to make it, because this life has a lot of struggles written into it. The immigrant journey has a lot of struggles written into it, and so we need a lot of courage to make it. But one of the best things that you can do for yourself is to look through your life journey for examples of that exact behavior when you were courageous. Seeing it will make you feel stronger, but it will also remind you. It will remind your brain that you can be courageous, that you have done it already and that you made it to the other side and that the reality on the other side is safe. 

Number two friendships with other immigrants. Just because someone is an immigrant and they came from your country of origin or the same area of the world does not mean that they're going to be your best friend. We have the tendency to simplify it this way, especially in the beginning, when we come to the US, our brains assume that what is familiar is also a great match for our personality, our expectations, our needs, because when you move here, everything is so different and so strange and we feel alone, we feel lonely. We have this tendency to become quote-unquote friends with people that are Polish just because they're Polish or Czech or Russian or German, just because in some ways we are alike, and that gives a sense of comfort. But that is not enough. That is not enough. With good friends, we need to share values, deeper understanding of things. It's good to really take a close look and do an inventory of your relationships. Take a look at who is in your life and why. Whom do you spend the most time with? Those people have a direct influence on what is unfolding in your life. Do that for yourself, my friends. 

Number three Americans can understand you well. Americans are not worse or better than us. They're people like us. They have great qualities and they have some qualities they could improve on. Like us, they have thoughts that create feelings Like us. Their thoughts create similar feelings to ours. So if an American moves across the US, which they often do just because of the culture and how often people move here, they will most likely feel out of place and lonely and misunderstood Very similar to the feelings we experience as immigrants. So just because they're not an immigrant does not mean that they don't have a capacity and can really well understand many of the painful elements of our journey, but we tend to assume that they don't get us right. We think, oh, they'll never get me, they don't know what it's like. They didn't move 5000 miles away from their home country. That's true, they didn't move 5000 miles away from their home country. But many of them if you're willing to have these conversations, if you're willing to talk about it, you will see, you will have a proof that they too felt like nobody gets them. They too struggled with assimilation. That is not uncommon of an experience Even if you're living in the country where you were, you're not going to be able to get them. And of an experience, even if you're living in the country where you were born in. So don't forget that there are plenty of places of connection between us and Americans. 

Number four do not expect yourself to be rich and successful right away. Obvious, not for everyone. This is obvious. Not for everyone. You don't get rich just because you moved to the US. This is so simple, so obvious. 

But somehow my brain had this assumption and this assumption was hidden, like really deep inside of me. It was hidden from me. It wasn't super obvious, but it showed up in sneaky ways, like when I was looking at my life and thinking that I should be more successful, that I should have a nicer home, have a better car, have a better job, I should be better off, I should be inviting my family and my friends over here to US for visits, I should be sponsoring at all, and those expectations were hiding deep in my belief system. I'm assuming that they were created by the view of America I had as a child watching TV, listening to how adults were talking about America. It seemed like it was this promised land where rich people live. It's a silly assumption and at the same time, many of us don't explore that part right. We don't look at what are their thoughts about the US, what are the assumptions that we have made? Looking at it will help you see how come you have a hard time connecting to the US. If you have a hard time connecting to Americans, it's important to take a look at that. 

Point. Number five the difficulties humble us. What is showing up today in your life as a huge difficulty can be the biggest gift in your life. For example, let's say that you have moved and you have had a really good career in your home country. You had a great paying position and all you can get here is a low paying job offer. 

Many of us, when we come here to the US, we are faced with the reality that we are not going to be able to continue on in the career that we have had in our home country, that we are going to have to adjust, and we feel like we don't have a choice. We have to take the job we never thought that we would have to take, right, and we feel like it's a downgrade. We become bartenders, we clean homes, even with our fancy degrees. We do that, and that's humbling. It reminds us that we are not better or above anyone else. It feels terrible to our egos to do this, but this process is incredibly good for our souls. It helps us mature. Our hearts become more compassionate, more open to others. The walls of judgment created by our egos drop. We stop judging people so easily. We simply see a human being in front of us. We become more noble. So, friends, if you have had to take a job that you never thought you will have to take seriously, ask yourself what was the consequence of that for my soul. Did I become a better person? Did I become more humble because I had to do this. I know that was definitely my case. 

Number 6, faith. Of course, the immigrant journey can be really hard, but the hardest moments of your life, when you have to rely on something bigger than yourself, those moments when you don't know how you're gonna do it, when you feel like everything is against you, you're alone and there's no one to support you, there's no one to ask for help, those moments will help you keep going and not give up, because you will prove to yourself that you are way stronger than you thought you are. We are being supported by something way bigger than us God universe, call it whatever you want. In your journey you have been proven that that energy, the source, god universe, has your back and this has happened over and over and over. You can trust it. You can lean into that trust. You can look for evidence of how the world, god, has been supporting you. You will see that you have been guided, that you have been protected and loved. You will feel grateful. It will help you feel more courageous. I want to strongly encourage you to take a look at how the world has been supporting you on this immigrant journey. 

Number 7. Time does not heal. Time does not heal Shit. I had to swear on this one. I had to. 

You know how, when we struggle, people will say just give it some time, it will get better. Do you know why it feels better? It's not because time is a great healer of some source. It's not. It feels better because our brains get distracted by life and we start having less thoughts that would cause our pain. If we are grieving someone with time, it's less painful because we think less of that person. That's all. 

Thoughts create feelings. There are specific thoughts that create pain. So time is not really healing anything. It's like the world is distracting you from whatever it is that you have been thinking about before. You have different thoughts in your head. That's it. What really heals us is when we give ourselves space to feel the feeling, to accept it, to really experience it. Look at it, see what it's needed as a consequence of the pain. If we're hurting, what is it that we really need? But also looking at what is creating that pain, looking at the thoughts that our brain is producing around that specific subject. Is it true what your brain is telling you? The story that you're hearing? Does it serve you? Your brain lies to you every single day. Every single day. This is why questioning it is so important. This is why, if you're struggling and sabotaging yourself somehow, you need a good coach that will help you. Look at your own mind. So if you have something in your past and you are hoping that the time will change it, the time will heal it no, my friend, it will not. Do not lie to yourself that way. Address it, number 8. You can decide what you want your relationship to your home country to be. 

Many of us have a tendency to romanticize the life we lived when we were in our home country. Not every immigrant does this. Of course, for the sake of this episode, I have to generalize. I often have to generalize on this podcast and I realize that some of these theories I come up with can be easily questioned. But I see it with quite a bit of my clients this tendency to be like oh, you know, we do this better, we have better food, we have better customs, we have well. People are like this and it's better because of that. And we have this tendency to make the world we left behind better than the one that's here. Because we miss it. We miss the people, the food, the music, the culture and our brain will make us believe that the life there is easier, that's 100 times better. But that's a lie, because life is balanced, my friends. It's balanced here and in your home country. It's balanced. Half of it is awesome and half is not. Just like you struggle here, you will struggle there. The struggles will be different, but there will be struggles in your life. You're gonna feel frustrated and stressed and overwhelmed and sad and you will feel like you don't belong. You're gonna have all of that. It doesn't matter if you live here or you live there. It's a human experience and you will have the joys here too, just like you had your joys in your home country. 

Country number nine how you represent your culture here matters. The best way to honor your home of origins is to decide how you want to represent it here in the US. In my case, some people that I've met will never, ever meet another person from Poland. What do I want them to think about Poland after they interact with me? That people from my country are what? Nice, loving, open, intelligent. Yes, I would love for them to think that I cannot control their thoughts right. I cannot just like plant my thoughts into their head. That can't happen, but I would love to be able to do this, because I would love for people to stop thinking that people from Poland are stupid, that Polish dogs are still totally justified. I'd rather that they see me as someone who has something very positive to bring into this world. I want to be representing Poland well and I want them to think that all people from Poland are stupid, you know, or that we are closed off and stand offish and weird and listen. I know that in the past this in the past it probably still happens, right when I behave in a way where someone could make that assumption. I know that in the past that was happening way, way, way more often because that was not clear in my mind how I want to be representing my home origin and I felt really insecure and I had tendency to judge others and hide behind that harsh judgement. I don't know about you, but I want to represent Poland well Because Poland is within me. 

It's in my essence, your culture, where you come from. That's in your essence. No matter where we go, we leave a piece of Poland or Germany or Russia or Latvia or France or Czech Republic or Italy behind and we can decide. What is the flavour that we're leaving behind? Is it love, is it kindness, is it understanding, is it being friendly, open, or is it being judgmental and harsh and weird? That's up to you. You can decide how you want to interact with this world and I want to invite you to think that through Number 10. 

Belonging your mind creates connection and a sense of belonging. You can be here in the US or back in your home country and feel like a stranger, like no one understands you, or you can make a decision that you belong wherever you are at. You can choose to connect to this world, because that's how you anchor yourself, how you feel safe, and you can decide how you want to connect. This does not have to happen automatically. You know what do you want to talk about when you are talking to your neighbour. What feeling do you want to feel when you're interacting with them? Do you want to feel closed off? Do you want to judge them or do you want to feel grateful that you have an opportunity to connect and get to know them better? 

You can feel open and accepting when you're talking to people. It all depends on what you're thinking about them, what you're thinking about yourself what you're thinking about. Their interaction, feeling open and accepting. Those are really good feelings to focus on for us immigrants, because typically, what we want to experience from people we talk to are those exact things. We want them to be open and accepting towards us, but often we forget to do the same to the other person, to be open and loving and accepting. We show up with judgement, waiting for them to be open and accepting. That's not how it works, my friends. If you show up with judgement, you are most likely going to experience judgement Okay, but you can decide how you want to show up. You can decide what is the feeling that you want to feel and how you're going to represent where you come from. 

Number 11. The US is your new home. Behave like you appreciated and love it. Americans are kind. I think you can agree with me that majority of them are very kind Not everyone, of course, but majority of Americans are very kind. They let us move here and live here, and I often time like to think about it. I like to compare it to a situation where someone is moving into my home, a stranger. Right, it's moving into my home, into my place, my safety, my sacred place, but this stranger thinks about life a little bit differently, behaves differently, has an accent, does not speak my language well, is trying to communicate, but struggles. They talk funny. And here I am, I'm happening in my home and I trust that they will appreciate and respect it and not everyone does. 

We come here and we bring with us a lot of the behaviors that we've developed in our home country, and I have to tell you there's one thing that drives me crazy and there's not many things that drive me crazy in my life overall, but with us immigrants, there's one thing that I really, really dislike and that's when we have this complete disrespect to America and the culture here. Right, it's the hellos that you don't hear an answer to. It's like even if you don't speak English. Well, saying hello back to a stranger on a street is not that hard, just be kind. This culture that's one of the things that I really love about America is that I can go to a grocery store and I know that when I will be checking out, the cashier will be very kind to me, she will say hello, she will smile, she will say have a great day. 

Chances of that happening it's like 99% Chances of that happening in Poland, where I come from, are very, very low, because it's not part of our culture, and I know that some of you will have this like immediate thought Americans are fake. Yeah, they're smiling, but they're fake. And I'm gonna disagree with you here. You think that Americans don't mean it. When they're kind, when they're smiling, you don't think that they mean it. I think that you are mistaken. Their smile is simply misinterpreted by you, because to many of us in our cultures, when someone smiles, we assume that there's also behind this like deep level of openness and readiness to be your friend and like come on over to my house, I'll feed you the best food I have, kind of a thing. That's the level of friendliness that we get to eventually in Poland. When we really get to know someone right, that's when we're smiling at each other. You know we're already friends, like if we're smiling at each other like that, we are really friends already. And here are strangers smiling at you at this, like, hey, they're just being fake because it's impossible to be this friendly. No, it is possible to be this friendly. 

A simple smile when saying hello, how are you, does not mean that that person is immediately your best friend. It just means that this person is kind and they want to have a pleasant interaction with you. That's all. That's it. It's a cultural difference. It does not mean that Americans are fake, that they don't mean it. They mean it. They mean the smile. It's just that we are so not used to the smile. 

So when we see a smile, there must be something, either fake, behind it. It must not be real, because it just doesn't make sense that there will be already smile. For us, a smile will happen when we already love someone, because we are greeting with our smiles and our cultures and we have a good reason to. I get it. Trust me, I understand it. I come from Poland. People don't smile at each other on the streets in Poland. We have plenty of reasons not to. We have a heavy history behind us. 

We lived in a communist political system. We could not trust our neighbor. People were jailed and killed for having certain opinions. Sometimes it was the neighbors telling our neighbors Before that. We had the World War II. That left our society deeply, deeply traumatized the generations before my generation, so the generation of my grandparents, for example. They did not feel safe in their world for a very, very long time. They had a hard time trusting one another. It took time to develop the sense of safety within, and for many people from the older generations that never happened. They never, never felt really safe in their world and, of course, that have influenced how they interacted with strangers and what they taught their children simply by behaving a certain way. So this is passed on. 

So think about this. Think about that difference. What was it like in your home country? What do you assume that smile means when an American is smiling at you? Because if you're not used to it and you're not being polite, that's a new. People here in the US are not like that. They smile at each other. They're kind to one another without meaning it. That now they owe you the skin of their back, that's not it. They're just being nice and that is so normal here. And I don't know about you, but I really, really appreciate it. I really prefer it. I love that about this country. So some of us immigrants can do a better job at assimilating to this culture. I want to invite you to consider if you have felt this like barrier, where you're like, well, I'm not gonna smile at them, I'm not gonna do that. Well, try it. I just want to invite you to try it. 

Number 12. You can think that your accent is amazing. If you're an immigrant, you most likely speak at least two languages. Other people might find your accent funny. They might think that you're weird, but you're a badass. You're a badass, you speak at least two languages. Sometimes people get confused because they've never heard a person with an accent before. That was my case. I met plenty of people where I was the first foreigner they've ever met. They looked at me like I just stepped out from a circus. It's all good. It's all good. So you can think that your accent is a problem and that you are somehow flawed because you have it. Or you can think that your accent is a proof of your intelligence and your courage, and you are gonna feel stronger and better if you think that it is A proof of your intelligence and your courage. Remember, if someone judges you, they do not speak another language, they only speak English. That's 100% guaranteed. No one who speaks another language and understands how hard it is to learn it will judge you for speaking with an accent. There's just no way. All right, my friends, this is it. It's our 12 points. I hope you enjoyed them. Remember. 

If there's something that I haven't mentioned, please feel free to send me a message. Coachedlifecoachforimmigrantscom. Send me an email. I would love, love, love to hear your wisdom so you have pulled from your life experience. I want to remind you about a few things. Number one for those of you who have a hard time connecting with Americans, who have a hard time building relationships and interacting with Americans, I have a course for you. It's called how to Feel Good Hanging Out with Americans when you're the only immigrant in the home. I'm gonna make sure to add the link on the bottom of the show. That's one thing. Remember about that. 

Remember also that I am a life coach for immigrants, which means that I am working with my clients one-on-one. You can hire me and if you're struggling in this American life, if you have a hard time dealing with the stress of your home, if you have a low self-esteem and you need help with that, I help with all those things. And to work with me to figure out if I am the person to help you, you can go to my website, lifecouchforimmigrantscom and you can schedule a quick call with me. This is where we talk. You tell me what is going on and if I can help you. I tell you how I would do that so you can schedule that on my website. 

And for those of you who are from Poland, specifically Polish women, I want to let you know that I am starting by weekly so two times a month meeting online. We are going to be meeting on Thursdays, every first and third Thursday in the evening, from 7.00 to 8.30 pm Eastern Standard Time. We will be meeting online and we will be chatting. It's gonna be called Pogaduha na Emigracie. This is for all the Polish women that want to build connections, that want to feel stronger, that want to feel like they have a sense of community with them, that they talk to people who understand them, and that want to talk to other women that are going for similar experiences. There are some differences, obviously, in our immigrant journeys, but there are plenty, plenty of similarities, and sometimes we come here to the US and we end up living somewhere far from other immigrants. We feel like we are very, very lonely and disconnected from our culture. So this is for those of you who feel this way and would like to join me and other Polish women online Go to the description of this show. I'll make sure to put a link there so that you can join first of all our Facebook group and then you will see the links to the direct Zoom meetings there. So I hope to see you there. This is obviously to the Polish women. 

For the rest of you, I am looking forward to this 2024. I'm excited for this year. There's so many things I'm working on. I'm excited for serving you, being more engaged in creating a lot of courses. I have a lot of courses I've created, but I have more coming and I cannot wait to see what this year really has for us. I am excited and I hope so are you. Have a wonderful rest of your day. I will talk to you next time. Take care.