I can't believe I didn't hear about this sooner...

My wonderful fellow immigrant, did you ever think about the consequences of going through the difficulties in your life? 

We all sometimes feel tired and overwhelmed, so today I want to remind you of the immense strength you have within you. The challenges you’ve faced in your life are a proof of your resilience. 

You are much stronger than you think. 

Precisely because of your immigrant journey you have an incredible ability to adapt, to cope with difficulties that might seem insurmountable to others. Your determination, empathy, and openness are qualities that set you apart from others. 

You are capable of overcoming any obstacle. 

Be gentle and kind to yourself... but remember that your strength is immense. 

You are amazing, don’t forget that. 

With all my heart, 

Life Coach Ewelina.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction: Embracing Change
• 6:58 The Seasons of Life as an Immigrant
• 23:20 The Struggles of Living Abroad
• 39:00 Finding Inner Strength
• 42:15 Facing the Big Questions
• 1:00:09 Creating Your Own Support System

Transcript

Hello, my friends, this is Ewelina, Life Coach for Immigrants, and today I am going to tell you what I wish. Someone told me a long time ago, but especially when life was hard. You know, I feel like we go through these seasons in life. There are seasons of peace and smooth sailing, and then something will happen and will throw us off our equilibrium. You see, this is exactly why, today, I want to talk about one of the most important consequences of living abroad. And, by the way, if you're hearing clicking noises, that's my dog walking around in my new office sniffing. I've been trying to make her lay down and she's just not having it. So that's that, that's where that comes from. But if you're not hearing any noises, that's fantastic. It means that my from. But if you're not hearing any noises, that's fantastic, it means that my microphone is doing a good job. Listen, I want to remind you that if you are an immigrant, just by default, just by the fact that you have come here to the us and that you have started a brand new life in a completely different country, just because of that, you are a very, very strong person.

Most of us are rushing through life and most of us are overwhelmed by the weight of daily responsibilities. We're so busy that we don't really pay attention to what happens within us. Some of us do, some of us don't, but the truth is, as we go through life, being busy and taking on all different kinds of challenges, the strength that is developing within us is a blend of courage, resilience, determination, cleverness and empathy, and this is very obvious to some people, but to many of us, it's something that we forget to acknowledge ourselves for. It's kind of like we're so used to struggling and we're so used to the fact that not everything comes easily and that we know how to transform difficult life situations into new opportunities. Yeah, there are days when we are full of doubt, but in times of crisis, all these skills that you have acquired shine through. Some of you will be like yeah, evelina, I know that's true, but what other choice did I have? I had to develop strength. I had to show up. Exactly, my love, you had to. 

For us, it's all about survival. We must show up. We have to learn to face loneliness, homesickness. We have to answer big questions like what am I doing here? Was this the right decision? Should I go back to my home country? Maybe life will be much better there. Or should I stay here? What's better for my family? Should I take my kids back home? I want to go because I'm so unhappy. But they have their new American life and they're used to living here. But I am so unhappy. 

You have no idea how many clients I speak with that have difficulties figuring things like this out. So normal to be living in a different reality, taking this big risk and then to regret it. So normal to have these kind of questions. And that's my job I help people figure out the answers. But you see, these kind of big questions I mean, if you don't answer these questions you're facing, sometimes not always, but oftentimes you're gonna face an inner crisis and it's truly.

It comes down to that inner voice that talks to you in the evening when you put your head down on a pillow, when no one else hears it but you. What is that voice saying to you? What are you saying to yourself? Are you waking up in the middle of the night, stressed out, or are you okay, sleeping all through the night? For those of you that do wake up in the middle of the night, I gotta tell you, when I was going through my identity crisis and I was very confused. It was in the middle of the night that I would be waking up and thinking about it, or falling asleep thinking about my life and longing for answers, and I could not find those answers. I had no idea that I could find them, that there is someone that could help me, first and foremost, find these answers. But you see, that's the thing, right. It's like you might be facing these huge questions and you might be longing for answers, like I was, but you still show up. Even with that, and that, my friend, builds incredible mental resilience. Each one of us carries the story in our hearts that shaped that inner strength, and that story goes with you everywhere you go, and then you keep on adding on to that. So today, I want to advise you to self-reflect a bit, because the truth is that every step you took here abroad, every decision you made, showing up on shore, scared, day after day, especially at the beginning when everything was unknown all those challenges required immense mental and physical strength, and you've developed that strength within yourself. This inner strength gives you a unique advantage because, along with it, you've also developed an ability to adapt, to cope with difficulties that for others might be and often are really overwhelming, really overwhelming. So I know that you are like the people that I'm talking to. 

There's all different kinds of immigrants in all different kinds of situations that are listening to this podcast. I know about that, and so you might be at the point of your journey where your life is way easier than it was. You might be in the very beginning of your journey when it's really really hard. You might be kind of in the middle where you still have these big challenges, but there's also the sense of like life is calming down and you have a good grip on what's going on in your life. It does not matter really where you're at, does not matter what point you are at.

Each one of you have a wealth of skills and qualities in your arsenal today that you did not have before you left your country of origin, and I know some of you might be like Malavarina. I've been here for six months only. I'm not that strong yet. Please do not belittle yourself that way. The beginnings are often the hardest. That's when every day becomes a test. Will you survive this or not? Think about all the new situations you had to face from the first day when you show up here on this continent. Think about what were the qualities you had to bring to the table that were not required in your country of origin or maybe they were required, but not to that degree. 

Oftentimes it's a completely different level of mental and emotional strength. We just have to show up in a completely different way, and the reason why that is is because in our old reality, things were familiar. You knew who you were there, you knew how to handle yourself in the language that you spoke in. The reality that you came from was well known to you. And then you land here and everything is new and different, and that's what I'm talking about. This is where you have to figure things out, and the stress of figuring it out is high. I want to talk to you for a second about courage and vulnerability and just letting things be as they are and not trying to control things. So, starting from courage, I don't know how it was for you, but in my case, at one point before I left, I made a decision not to think about my future, not to think what my future might look like or what I was really throwing myself into. 

For those of you that don't know my story, I have been in the United States since 2005, since January 2005. So I actually had my 20-year anniversary on January 11th. I came here as an au pair. I finished studying in Poland, then came here as an au pair, and I was working with a family in Michigan for one year. I was working as a nanny, but it means that I came by myself, right. There was nobody else here with me. I didn't come to a Polish family, I came to an American family. 

I was living with Americans, and so it was a pretty major shift, and so what I did before I came is that I made a decision not to think about it, not to think about the fact that I would be alone, far away from my family, far away from my country, far away from everything that's familiar to me, because I knew that if I started to dwell on all the unknown, my mind would scare me so much and all the possible terrifying scenarios would fill me with such a fear that I wouldn't be able to leave at all. So that can happen, but for each one of you, if you're listening to this podcast and you're an immigrant, that was something that you overcome, that you came here. You're here, right, you're here in the United States. So that fear of what would happen when you come was met with courage, was met with willingness to take this big risk. 

So let's not forget about that first initial courage to come, because we really have to leave behind our entire reality family, friends, our way of life, habits, traditions, the food that we love, our home and also, what's very, very important, we have to leave that feeling of safety we felt in that world, that feeling of safety, familiarity. Even though we leave that world behind, that still kind of stays in our hearts and stays in our minds, and many of us living abroad long for that, for that feeling of belonging, of familiarity, of safety and especially in the beginning, for those of us who have been here in the US for a while. We kind of go through this grief that in some cases never ends. One of the feelings that we address with the clients that work with me is regret and sadness, and it has to do with that world that we have left behind. Right, because the world that we left, the moment we leave our country of origin, when we come back, it's a different place. It's so easy to notice that life moved on there and a lot has changed. But it's truly also us. It's our perception of life and that world that is gone. Many, many of my clients feel sadness. 

There is a process of grieving that can happen, that can help you create a sense of belonging here in the US when you let go of that old version of safety that you long for. Because one of the reasons why we have a hard time connecting here is because we romanticized that world so much and we compare the friendships here, the places here, the food, all of the experiences here, to those experiences of that like idealized, romanticized version of that reality that we left behind. But the truth is that world that we left behind it was 50 50 right. It was still part of the reality. And reality, I believe, is balanced half of it is great, half of it is not. So there were elements in that reality that you left that were wonderful and there were some things that were really really hard. And same thing here now in the us. There's some things that are wonderful and some things are not. And that is just how it is in life. Life is balanced. It will always remain like this. 

If you feel like you're having a hard time connecting here to the US, one of the ways that will help you deal with that would be to close that chapter of that life that your heart longs for with gratitude right and create your relationship to your country of origin on purpose, as a place that will always be special in your heart, but also create a different relationship to the country that you live in. Now. If you're in the US, like I am, because I know that some of you are listening to me from other parts of the world but those of you who are here in the US and you're connecting to the US but it's not the same right and you feel like this will never be your home. I want to challenge that for you, because relationships are created in our mind and we're talking about a relationship to place, we're talking about relationship to culture, we're talking about your relationship to this country. You can create that on purpose. I also help my clients do that. Fyi, just telling you. But here's the thing those of you who have not addressed it and you have this pain in your soul, like your soul is in pain because you long for that safety, for that world that you left behind. I want to just acknowledge that, even with that pain, you did not stop going forth. You have that pain in your heart, you have that longing, but you still move forward boldly. 

I think about, like, my identity crisis. I think it was probably beginning in like 2007 and it went all the way to 2011. So four years of deep confusion, deep, deep, deep unhappiness, and I did not know how, why. I didn't realize that I was creating all of that experience, had no idea what to do. And I think about, like, okay, what was happening in my life during the time? Plenty was going on, plenty. I was working very hard throughout that whole time and I was establishing a lot of relationships, connections, building friendships. Obviously, I was married back then and building a new life with my ex-husband, so there was a lot that we were doing. There was a lot going on. And, looking back now, I'm so grateful that I didn't just collapse and stop my life, that I kept on going, and that's what I'm talking about. 

There is resilience within me. There is resilience within you. That is a consequence of these difficulties, because so many of you I know that you have this and people say that it's like oh, this is just the way it is, it doesn't have to be like this, this sense of not belonging, where you feel torn apart, because you feel like your heart stayed in your country of origin but the rest of you have to show up for this life here and you don't know where your home really is, because you don't feel like you can fully be yourself here and, frankly, you don't feel like you can fully be yourself here and, frankly, you don't feel like you belong in your home country either, because it has changed. And many of people that come to me feel the same pain I felt for years, because that was my part of my identity crisis too, was that I felt that pain and I felt that that's just the way it will have to be, and I felt that that's just the way it will have to be. Listen, my friends, there is a way out of this.

The solution is creating relationships on purpose and also creating detachment on purpose. So not that you don't care about your country of origin or you don't care about the US, that you don't care about the people. Places right that you just kind of like remove yourself completely. That's not what it is, but you do not rely on them to give you a sense of safety and an amazing life full of connection and satisfaction, like you do not give that responsibility to the Americans or to people back home when you go back. So what you do instead is you create such a relationship with yourself where you make sure your inner environment is okay, no matter what the connection with the other world looks like, how people behave, what happens around you. No, your inner world can be filled with such a deep sense of self-awareness that it won't matter where you live, who's next to you, how they behave, because your sense of inner safety, it's independent, because you created on purpose, and the fact is no one can do it for you. You've got to do it for yourself. 

If you struggle with this, if you feel like your soul is torn apart and you have that like heavy feeling in your heart, just reach out to me. Schedule a consult. Let's have a conversation. That's complimentary, you don't have to pay for it. Schedule a consultation with me. It's not a life sentence, when you are an immigrant, for you to feel this sense of dread and heaviness because you feel like you're not in a place you want to be in. Things can be addressed in a healthy way. 

The challenges really never stop and with time we just get better at dealing with life, so it might feel like it's easier, but really our everyday life is not always easy and because we have all these different challenges, life puts us in situations where we are forced to develop our perseverance. Think about this how many times did you think about quitting, but you knew that you just can't? How many problems did you solve? Your problem-solving skills are incredible because of this, and I don't know that you even realize that, or the creativity that you have, that you had to develop. And let's not forget how independent and self-sufficient you are. What are the life situations you had to face on your own, because you did not have the support and you never thought that you would be able to do what you did. But you did that. When did you surprise yourself that way? What did you do where you were like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this. And you not only did that, you survived. And here you are that much stronger. 

One thing that comes to my mind from my private life is getting divorced. There was a moment when I had no idea where I would live. We had a deadline, we had to move, but I did not know where I was gonna move to and listen. That was so was so stressful. Right, I don't have family here, I'm on my own and I have to move and I don't know where I'm moving. So, yeah, that was that extra level of stress on top of getting divorced. And, of course, I had support circle, but those people 99.9% of them were far away from me. So I had to be creative, and I was, and it all worked out. But just like I think about that's a big deal. How many of you have dealt with that sort of situation and you made it work? You made it work. 

Another situation that comes to my mind and I want for you to take it in consideration as well is your first job interview After I don't know how you came here. I came as an au pair and then, you know, I got married and I was looking for a normal job. So I just sent out my resume and I went to a job interview and, of course, you know, on the way there I was praying that I would get the job and I did, despite the fact that I was still speaking a pretty broken English and I had no experience in customer service in English. I had no experience as a studio photographer. The woman that hired me looked through my portfolio and she made a decision that she would take a risk right. She believed in me. She thought that I could make it work. I don't know for sure, but I think that she just trusted that she was dealing with someone that was honest and responsible and would take this job seriously enough to show up and be reliable and stuff like that. 

And, frankly, when I look back now and when I look overall at workforce or having all this work experience that I have after being here in the US for 20 years and working at various positions and having contact with many people, many personalities, just people of different ages, americans and immigrants and just different backgrounds when I think about what I was bringing to the table determination to make it work, like just being like I will show up and I will do my best that determination maybe that's what she felt. And I look back today and I think about the determination right, the openness to do something for the first time and risk making a fool of myself in English, not really worrying about what anyone else would think. That was completely different from what I was used to doing in Poland. I was extremely self-conscious when I lived in Poland, and so putting myself in this sort of situation kind of broke something in my mind about myself. Right, I had to step out of that self-concept of being a person that cares so much about others' opinion, and here I was forced to stop caring. It was priceless, for sure, and how my personality developed from that point on. 

But I want you to think about this how many times did you have to approach a situation like that, when you just you're like, whatever, whatever happens happens. Whatever these people think about me, I don't care, I just have to show up. You know what happens to us. In that moment, our ego starts to shrink Because we can't control what's about to happen, and we know it, and we just simply, simply, we surrender God. Not my will, your will, god. It's that moment. 

I think it's a beautiful process when I think about how good it's been for my soul that I have not been really able to use my master's degree here in the US when I was going through my identity crisis. Part of the crisis was the fact that I had this five-year degree from a really good university and I was not able to use it and I was doing these jobs where it's like, oh, my God, that's below me. That was part of this crisis. I was arguing with my reality so much, but the truth is not being able to rely on that degree put me in situations when I had to soften my ego, even when I was fighting with that. Still later on, many times I had to soften my ego and my pride was being heavily challenged. And how about you? How about you? Do you feel like this immigrant journey of yours has been beneficial to the development of your inner journey, of your soul? And let me tell you I am so glad I had the jobs I did that some might look at and say, oh, evelina, that's below you might look at and say, oh, evelina, that's below you. Seriously, I am so thankful for each one of them and, to be honest with you, I absolutely love to meet other immigrants that have that as part of their story. 

I really admire those people who, with humility in their hearts, can take on doing something that for others is below their standards, like something others would say like well, I'm too good for that. The other day I was at my GP's office for an annual exam and the woman that was drawing my blood was from Venezuela. We started talking. She's a doctor from Venezuela but coming to the United States, she had to humble herself and she did, and now she is um, I don't. I don't know if it's like an assistant or what exactly's her job called, but at the end of the day, this choice that she made to do a job below her education, this comes with a sacrifice of ego. So, my friend, if this is you, I want to congratulate you. I think you are amazing, amazing. 

And for those of you who have that like certain standard for yourself I know you're out there, I know you are out there those of you who have a bit of a different approach and it might sound like I will work as a bartender, but I will never clean homes so you make choices in your life in accordance with that judgment. Listen, I admire that too, because you're probably developing a deep sense of determination and your journey goes in a very specific way. That's admirable as well. The truth is that every decision has positive and negative consequences, right. Just like Jordan Peterson says something like you're going to pay the price, right for every bloody thing you do and everything you don't do. You do not get to choose to not pay a price. There's consequences. Right, that's what he's basically saying. You get to choose which poison you're going to take. That's it, right? 

I think that many of us on our immigrant journey get a speed up series of life lessons, lessons that transform us, make us resilient, strong, courageous, flexible, open to change and humble, because we have no other choice, right? So again, think about it. Were there situations in your life? Were there situations in your life here, when you had to push aside your pride and simply do something that once would have seemed below your so-called dignity? Now there's additional thing that I want to talk about your so-called dignity. 

Now there's additional thing that I want to talk about. There's that mental burden of the pressure to succeed in a new country. Right, because we all know it. Right, once you came to the US, things should be going really well for you and you must be really successful and really rich just because you live in the United States and you must have your American dream fulfilled. Yeah, whatever that means in your case. 

We simplify things like that often and we have this inner pressure, and I want you to be honest with yourself. Do you carry that pressure in your heart that, since you're in the United States, you must succeed. You must prove something to yourself, or maybe to someone else. If so, then to whom? Oftentimes it's the people we leave behind in our home of origin, the people that actually don't fully understand or appreciate the difficulties of our immigrant journey, because they stayed back home, they have no idea what it's like to be in your position, to be this far away, to have all the stress, to have that pressure on your shoulders.

So really think about this Is there someone like that in your life, someone you feel you must prove something to? Who is it? Why? Why would you feel that sort of pressure, and what would you have to do to gain their admiration? What would they need to say to you for you to feel that you have achieved it, that you have made it? So that inner pressure that we have to succeed that can drive us, you know, forward, and sometimes it's a good thing, but too much of a good thing can be detrimental. So really, it will be a good thing for you to assess it for yourself. Is it healthier, is it too much? Do you feel like it's a heavy burden? Or is motivation and this like drive within you? Because it's another element that could make this life harder, heavier. 

And there's one more thing and I don't want to miss it because many of my clients again deal with this and we discuss it in our sessions often that's the lack of support you experience because you're far away from your support circle. Right like this is a natural consequence of moving away, but it feels really unfair. It feels unfair if you are, for example, raising your kids without any support from the family, but your sister or brother have that support because they stayed in their home country and they get a lot of help. You might feel like that's not fair. And so there is a part of you that feels unappreciated, unloved, unacknowledged for the effort you have to put in it. Here I am working so hard and they have it so easy. Life is not fair. Of course I agree with that. That does not feel fair and of course it only makes sense that there would be a part of you that wishes it was all different. 

We don't want to dismiss it, but I do want to ask you this how could you create a support system for yourself here in this country? What can you do for yourself to lighten that burden? Who is available to help you? If there is no, maybe it's time to get creative and change it. So if you need a support circle, you've got to create it. And also, it's a good idea to think about what can you do to become an advocate for yourself, because if you don't see your needs, no one else will see them. Trust me, no one else will see your needs. No one else will see them. Trust me, no one else will see your needs. People will not just show up one day and be like oh, I see, you're drowning, I'm going to help you. That's just very unlikely to happen Because 99.9% of people are struggling as well. So if you don't stand up and say, hey, I'm drowning here, I need help, no one will come. Seriously, you've got to do it. You've got to learn to be that person for yourself. You've got to advocate for yourself. Please do not expect others to figure that out for you. It's not going to happen.

And at the same time, if you're one of those immigrants, for example, raising kids all by yourself, without the support of family think about whom you had to become to be able to successfully pull that off. How creative, strong, resilient, selfless you had to become. How many problems did you have to solve on a daily basis. How many decisions you had to become, how many problems did you have to solve on a daily basis, how many decisions you had to make for your family every single day. Have you ever considered whom you had to become to handle that sort of responsibility and pressure? That's what I'm talking about, my friends. That inner strength that dwells within you is a result of those sort of daily challenges.

Our mind oftentimes will think that, oh, you have to accomplish something incredibly amazing, something extraordinary, something that others would officially acknowledge you for, and then maybe you'd give yourself permission to do that too, to acknowledge your effort, to acknowledge how amazing you are. I want to invite you to just do it. Recognize yourself for whom you had to become as a result of this immigrant journey. You have earned a right to see yourself as a hero. The hero's journey is your journey, and the sooner you recognize it, the sooner you see what you have gained as a result of facing all the difficulties, the stronger you will feel going forward. 

The other day I saw online in one of the immigrant chats this comment the first generation has it the worst, the second generation has it a bit easier, and I can understand why someone would make this sort of judgment and, at the same time, this is exactly why I do what I do. I believe that we have the right to lighten our load right. We have a right to do what we can to make our struggle, the struggle of the first generation, worth it, that we can take that struggle yes, because it is a struggle and we can flip it around and we can see the strength and the resilience that's result of that. Yes, it is incredibly hard, but we are incredibly resilient because of it. And when you see yourself as someone who has already developed that skill of not giving up no matter what, you have more courage to chase your dreams. 

When you see yourself as courageous, it's easier for you to stand up and speak up when your boss asks you a question in front of the whole team. And when you see your capacity to create deep connections despite the language and cultural differences, and you see that you know how to support someone else another immigrant maybe share experiences and help that person in difficult moments with whom you have already done that, it will be so much easier for you to create a bigger support circle for yourself. If that's what you need. When everything was new and so stressful. What relationships have become the foundation of your strength here. That's important, that you see that too, that you know, yes, it's a difficult journey, but, yes, there are all these people around me that have helped me, that God placed in my life so that I could feel like I can actually make it through. 

What I really want to tell you, my lovely, wonderful you if you didn't get it yet you're a hero. You are a hero. It's okay to see yourself as a hero, as someone who is resilient, to see yourself as a hero, as someone who is resilient, courageous, incredibly strong. I am so honored that I get to remind you about it on this podcast and that I get to do it in my courses and different sessions with my clients. It's such an honor. This is it, my friends. I hope you will have an amazing day. Listen to this podcast as many times as you need to share it with your friends, share it with other immigrant friends, all the people that need to hear about their strength. Send it to them because you've you've earned your stripes, little tiger. You did. I'll talk to you next time. Love you, my friends, bye.