Americans don't like me. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Struggling to connect with Americans as an immigrant? Discover how your perceptions shape your relationships and learn to change your perspective for better connections. This episode challenges common immigrant opinions and provides guidance on fostering genuine relationships.

 If you feel misunderstood or disconnected, it is important to recognize that your own thoughts and perceptions are contributing to this feeling... not necessarily the behavior of Americans you come in contact with.  

In this episode I challenge the opinions I hear often in the immigrant circles:

 "Americans are fake." 

"They are not that smart." 

"They are judgemental toward immigrants." 

"They don't like people with accents." 

The relationship we immigrants have with Americans is shaped by our thoughts about them, not by the Americans themselves. This is great news, because if you have struggled buidling genuine relationships with Americans, you can control and change our perspective. In this episode I walk you through the process I guide my clients through. 

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Transcript

Hello hello my  friends, this is Ewelina Life Coach for Immigrants and today we are going to talk about Americans. I hope you are ready. This episode is for those of you that have a hard time making connections here, building relationships. You feel like you are not liked. You feel like Americans don’t like you and you are wondering if you are the only one who feels this way. I remember having those kinds of thoughts when I first came to the US, in my first interactions, and I can tell you honestly that I have met many immigrant women that have had similar thoughts. This is normal and especially in the beginning is very normal to have this sort of opinion. But it’s not a rule, it’s not like you can’t have this sort of a thought after being here for a long time, you still can. You know, oftentimes when we have honest conversations with the women that have a hard time building relationships here in the US with Americans specifically and we really talk about what’s really going on and we get to the bottom of it. Oftentimes it will come out that they feel like Americans are fake. They are nice to your face but then when you leave a situation, let’s say, then they talk behind your back. 

Before we even come to the US we have all different kinds of thoughts and opinions about Americans and those opinions are going to influence how we interact with this nation. So it’s not like we come not knowing anything. Unless you come like a really small baby and you don’t have any opinions before hand but majority of us come with already having a relationship with Americans before we even get to know them well. 

The reason why I am saying it this way is that any relationship is really created in your mind, and you don’t really have a relationship with Americans, you actually have a relationship to your thoughts about Americans. We will go into this deeper, but this is really great news because it does not matter what you think about AMericans today. It does not matter what your relationship with Americans is like, you can influence and change that relationship. And you might want to. There are a lot of benefits that come from building strong, good friendships with Americans. First of all when you connect to Americans you are going to have a chance to really understand and fit into the American way of life. You will no longer feel like this odd weird creature. Creature, because you will know what to do. How often, especially in the beginning, we don't understand what is happening around us. We have this feeling like we are an odd duckling, and we act in a weird way and because we feel weird… When you choose to take charge of this connection of how you relate to Americans you are going to give yourself a chance to really stop feeling this way and it’s a beautiful thing. Another benefit, this is super obvious, you are going to feel more confident. And it’s going to be way easier for you to get over any language barriers, when you will be actually speaking with Americans. You are gonna feel less isolated. You will start feeling this sense of belonging. You will not feel like an outsider all the time. And obviously having American  friends can be super useful because they can give you tips on everyday things like understanding what is going on around you. Finding your way around. If you have questions, where do I buy this or that they will be able to answer this for you. 

I remember when I first came and I did not understand what it meant when I was driving a car in the evening when the light would be flashing red. And I remember talking to this wonderful young man who explained it to me in such an easy way and he was compassionate enough not to make it a big deal, not to laugh at me. He was an American and super helpful, right? Very, very kind. And by the way guys if you are hearing clicking noises, I’ve got to tell you. Once again my dog is just moving around my office. At first she was snoring like crazy when I was recording and I was like, I hope nobody can hear her snoring. Sure enough, it was so loud. You could have heard her snoring and now there is a lot of clicking noises. That’s what it is, this time, OK?

Let’s go back to the benefits. You will have a chance to ask questions and hear helpful answers. You are gonna stop feeling like a victim of your situation. Like: Oh I didn’t know because I didn’t know what to ask”. No, Americans are helpful and kind and loving and I want to encourage you to today really take advantage of what I will be sharing with you cause I am gonna give you a lot of tips. I am gonna give you a lot of questions at the end that will help you shift this relationship. Cause you see.. Here is the thing that happens: Before we even come to the United States we have all different kinds of thoughts about Americans. That already is creating our relationship to this nation and then we come and our mind will look for situations that will confirm that we were right. So for example, I had, thanks to President Bush I believe, made a comment about some country in Africa. I don’t remember exactly what it was. But he said something that was so ridiculous, something super basic about a country in Africa. I was like, oh he does not understand that this is a country in Africa, there was just something about his lack of basic geography, I was like oh, OK. If the president doesn’t know this, right? What about the rest of them? That’s basically what you ask yourself. Overall we had this opinion, and listen I am going to be the first one to admit, so unfair, but it's true. Before I came to the US, I thought that Americans are not very intelligent. Today I know it’s not true. There are plenty that are very, very smart, but coming back then in 2005 I thought that they are not. And particularly I thought that many Americans don’t know basic geography, and there is a little bit of truth to that, right? There is… but that’s not what I am talking about. What I want to tell you is that my mind because I had this opinion that, they are not very smart, and particularly they are not very good at knowing geography of the world, when I first came to the US and I was meeting Americans I would meet people who knew exactly where Poland is, and were very interested in Poland and I would also meet Americans that would have no idea. I remember being asked by this one guy, cause at first I told him I was from Poland and he was confused, so I told him it’s in Europe. And he was still confused, and I said: You know where Europe is right? And he said: Isn’t that like a country in South America? It’s ignorant, not to know that Europe is a continent. And at the same time what I want to tell you is this: My brain grasped that interaction and held onto that interaction till today because it was just ridiculous on one hand but on the other hand it was confirmed by cognitive bias. That situation was confirming that Americans don’t know much about geography. And so even though I met many Americans that knew exactly where Poland is, my brain was filtering out only the instances that were confirmed by the truth. I am saying this to you because I want you to know that this is happening all the time and so, especially when it comes to negative judgement. So if you came to the US, already with a lot of negative judgment around Americans, your relationship to this country and to this nation will be heavily influenced by these judgments. So please be honest with yourself. What did you believe before you came and what do you still believe about this nation? Anything negative is not gonna help you build connections, it’s gonna make it harder. 

There is this one thing I want you to think about. When we form real relationships, we start seeing beyond the stereotypes. And this is working both ways. In other words, when you get to know Americans better you will give yourself a chance to start creating a more open and respectful connection. bUt at the same time the same thing will be happening exactly for the American that you will be interacting with. They will be seeing you from a different perspective. They will be able to go beyond the stereotypes they might have in their heads around immigrants, so that’s when the connection can really happen.